Newsround

Russell Brand's cat is so bored by The Guardian's Jobs & Money section it won't even have it in its litter-tray. 'He'd become constipated rather than defecate on all those tedious career opportunities.' [Private Eye]
Amyl Crackhouse back at the copshop, arrested over this cracksmoking video [BBC]. Why? Why would you get out your handycam?
Kelly Osbourne a bit drunk last night [the always excellent Daily Mail].
ALAN SUGAR SAVED MY LIFE. The Evening Standard led with this, rhyming with the glory days of The Sun's FREDDIE STAR ATE MY HAMSTER. Some chap was watching The Apprentice somewhere else when his house exploded [Standard].
A £23,000 shirt has gone on display at Eton Shirts in Covent Garden. Can anyone get a picture? (and what is it with sticking diamonds on everything. Are they the new oyster fragments?)
A glamour model is Berlusconi's new Minister for Equal Opportunities. Heh.
Retired, Viagra-enabled Floridians have a new coinage: prune-tang. Yes very good [popbitch].

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