The Make

the Apprentice episode 10: the winners are the real losers

Wed, 28 May 2008 10:11:34 +0000

Week 10 and The Apprentice is reving up for the final result with its penultimate episode next week. Who'll win? A stubbly, handsome chap or a hormonal, overwrought chappette? That's our choice. Can the best of British business acumen really be found among slop that would grace any Weatherspoon's bar across Britain on a Friday night? It seems so.

gleaning amusement from a downbeat Sunday

Mon, 26 May 2008 08:06:47 +0000

Well. The Sunday papers were particularly depressing yesterday. Fatal teen stabbing, a precipitous rise in dementia, the inexorable prospect of Prime Minister David Cameron. Ugh.

So I just skimmed those headlines and focused on the the entertaining ones. Obviously.

small American city hits big screen, natives hysterical with joy

Sat, 24 May 2008 18:42:25 +0000

Could I be more excited about Charlie Kaufman's new film, which has just debuted in Cannes and which is going to win the Palme d'Or in a sort of indifferent fashion? No, I could not, because although Synecdoche, New York has been described in the Guardian as "difficult to say and even harder to understand" it is set in my very own funny little home town of Schenectady, New York. You have no idea how thrilling this is...

sexpresso joint will perk you right up

Fri, 23 May 2008 12:51:39 +0000

Having spent several months of my lost youth behind the counter at a ubiquitous coffee chain, I always like to keep abreast of developments in the world of barista-ing. Or in this case, a-breast.

literary page-turners battle for minor recognition

Thu, 22 May 2008 16:33:25 +0000

Hurrah! If you were troubled at the thought that the world doesn't have quite enough book prizes, there's yet another one to add to your betting calendar.
It's the Desmond Elliot Prize, which will be rewarding writers whose first novels have "both literary and page-turning value".

That sounds nice. But, um, what exactly does it mean?

nasal spray promises to increase charity mugger takings

Thu, 22 May 2008 16:23:31 +0000

What does it say about me that when I read about a fascinating new scientific breakthrough, I immediately begin pondering the deviant possibilities?

time to start taking Eurovision seriously

Wed, 21 May 2008 18:41:56 +0000

It's been a long time, hasn't it, since any of us in the English-speaking world took the Eurovision Song Contest seriously? Sure, we all cuddle up on the sofa to watch the institution that brought us Abba, playing drinking games that involve necking shots of vodka every time a marginal post-Soviet republic trots out a man in spangles. It's a well-loved tradition.

But with the likes of Javine being trotted out in recent years to compete on our behalf, the fact that the British Isles continue to field competitors is, at best, a bit patronising - if we really wanted to win, of course, we'd draft in Amy Winehouse.

But maybe this insouciant approach to a competition that apparently means something to the rest of the entrants will have to be rethought, after the shocking result of today's semi-finals.

Gary Kasparov attacked by flying penis

Tue, 20 May 2008 21:25:05 +0000

Political "dirty tricks" have hit a new low. Yes, we all know Russia is rather quickly falling behind in the democracy stakes, but this... well, this is something else. Radiation-poisoning dissidents, murdering troublesome journalists: terrible, tragic, hard to laugh at. Menacing Kremlin critics with an air-borne phallus, it's awful, childish provocation. Yet it is still a flying dick. A cock with wings. Who could not suppress a snigger?

Thanks Cherie, we'll call you ok?

Tue, 20 May 2008 16:22:35 +0000

Cherie Blair took her excellent autobiography to Lorraine Kelly's show this morning and promptly went about setting the record straight. Discussing how contraception and the ability of women to control their fertility was very important, she was apparently unaware that she'd told the whole world she was too embarrassed to take her contraception to Balmoral, and thus ended up getting pregnant.

Lest any of you doubt her good intentions, we want to say, emphatically, that this is in no way similar to teenage girls who know they should use condoms but are too embarrassed to ask a boy to use one.

when the going gets tough, the slebs publish

Tue, 20 May 2008 11:05:14 +0000

One of the nicest things about England is the way that we let even our most inexplicable celebrities reinvent themselves through publishing, despite the fact the book sales (and literacy rates) are flagging a little

defying his gender, BoJo continues to multi-task

Tue, 20 May 2008 08:00:00 +0000

Never known for resting on his laurels while at work, it seems that London's new great leader has decided that overseeing the undertakings of a city that has a population larger than about half the world's nations is not really something that is going to keep him sufficiently occupied.

innovation down under continues to impress

Mon, 19 May 2008 14:42:14 +0000

Sometimes I wonder if Britain wouldn't be rather more fun if they hadn't banished all of those marginal bread-thieves to Australia, but rather let them stay here, so that we could benefit, firsthand, from the particular brand of genius of their descendants.

the Conservative revolution starts in our closets

Mon, 19 May 2008 12:36:41 +0000

Forgive me for being confused. Last week, of course, the Mail was raking Caroline Flint over the coals for her profligate wearing of more than one outfit - clear evidence that she was a brazen hussy in addition to being possibly a bit crap at housing policy.

But today, they've changed their tack: Labour ladies, it seems, are unacceptably dowdy, particularly in contrast with the delicate blooms of the Conservative Party.

Sunday papers in sum: baby mice and inbreeding

Mon, 19 May 2008 06:28:57 +0000

It was a happy day for the bride and groom, a sad day for inbreeding: Peter Phillips' marriage to Autumn Kelly, a Canadian girl of modest parentage, was heralded as evidence of a new trend in the Royals spicing up the bloodlines with sub-aristos. [Observer]

In an act of bold-faced revenge against cheating husband Ashley Cole, Cheryl Cole of Girls Aloud fame has been caught on video smooching the bald pate of a bible-thumping American wannabe actor, who had no idea who she was but did possess the foresight to film and flog their encounter. [News of the World]

Acronym alert: environmentally-aware people with designer shoes and concerns that they carry their imported raspberries in the right hempen bags are henceforth to be known as 'Socially Conscious Upwardly Mobile Persons', or 'Scuppies'. I still prefer to call them 'Guardian readers'. [Sunday Times]

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty do creepy things with baby mice and are also filmed, natch, prompting the RSPCA to make a statement about the negative effect that 'strange human smells' may have on the wee innocent rodents. Amy and Pete no doubt prefer to think of themselves as 'fabulously eccentric' rather than 'strange', however, so are blameless. [Independent on Sunday]

Noted environmental scientist (and scuppie?) Prince Charles has announced that global natural disaster will strike in eighteen months if climate change is not reversed. Thank goodness he's doing his part with those yummy sausages. [Sunday Telegraph]

Morrissey / NME feud reaches amusing new level of pettiness

Fri, 16 May 2008 15:28:11 +0000

When Morrissey sang "I bear more grudges than lonely high court judges" on his 1994 hit "The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get" he certainly wasn't joking. Since the New Music Express alleged that his views on immigration could be construed as a little bit racist the fun hasn't stopped. First came the threats of legal action, then there was the Love Music, Hate Racism business, now if Moz has his way, NME editor Connor MacNicholas is going to find it hard to find a place to sleep in Los Angeles.